What is “Emotional Blackmail”?

ANNE E RIFE LMSW LLC

Emotional blackmail involves using Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt [“FOG”] to attempt to control the behaviors and decisions of others. Emotional blackmail might look like this: 

“I will never speak to you again unless you _________.”

     or 

“After all I’ve done for you, you’re not even coming home for the holiday?!” 

or 

       “My blood pressure is high because of YOU!”

In high conflict families, relationships, or friend circles, these behaviors might have been normalized. Using ultimatums, guilt tripping, playing the victim, baiting for conflict, inducing hurtful emotions, or using the silent treatment might be so familiar that some people are not even aware it is inappropriate and they may not recognize it as it happens. In fact, they may have come to believe that these dynamics are normal. 

Building and maintaining boundaries as well as reasonable expectations is absolutely paramount in high conflict environments. In high conflict relationships and social circles, there might be some confusion regarding the difference between a Boundary and a Demand. I have witnessed individuals state that something is their “boundary,” when they are really describing a demand. A boundary is a line you set surrounding your own actions and your own behaviors within your life while a demand is an attempt made at controlling someone else’s actions, behaviors, and/or something within their life. Those who utilize Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt (“FOG”) may frequently ignore or blur the lines between boundaries and demands.

In my practice, I advise to not make promises or agreements until a situation has cooled down and the “FOG” has lifted. In addition, having so-called “scripted statements” can help ease the personal burden when FOG is involved, statements such as: “I will think about it and get back to you” or “Let’s talk about this when we are calmer” or “I sense we are going in circles. We will revisit this later.” 

If the person escalates and becomes belligerent, demanding, begins interrogating you, or lashes out with emotionally-charged questions (for example, “So, you don’t even care about me?” “You’ve changed; what is wrong with you?!”) or if they exhibit an antagonistic disposition, that is your cue to use a firmer boundary line such as: “I feel uncomfortable talking about something so personal. I will not talk more about it” or “I have made my decision. I won’t be discussing this further.” 

Then, follow through with the boundary and extricate yourself from the situation. You will not reach peacefulness if you answer the emotionally-charged questions; instead, you will only give space for the person to continue the escalation and they will also learn that you can be successfully manipulated, coerced, and controlled as long as they try long enough to hit the right nerve within you.

What I tend to notice – and what I alert my clients to – is that people who utilize FOG oftentimes follow the same FOG “Recipe.” 

THE FOG “RECIPE”

They may appear hostile, angry, intimidating, and perhaps they even become outright abusive by yelling at you, issuing threats, isolating you or demanding that you isolate yourself in order to speak with them. They may engage in name-calling, exaggerating, blocking your car to prevent you from leaving, rifling through your personal belongings, making false allegations, and more. If their behavior is called out, they will tend to have a quick defense they invented, such as: “I was looking for my stuff!” as they rummage through your belongings or “I was only worried about you!” after they stand in front of your car to prevent you from escaping their toxic behavior.

When they sense that their behavior is ineffective at getting them what they want, they may turn to self-victimization to induce a softer response in whomever they wish to control: This often involves intense sobbing that rapidly stops when they achieve what they desire, attempts to guilt-trip you and bait you into taking responsibility for their emotions (“Don’t you care about me?”), romanticizing the past (for example, “We had the perfect relationship!”) before attempts are made at gaslighting you (“What happened to you?!” or “You’re nuts!”). 

In the midst of the self-victimization, they may also project their own behavior, emotions, or inner thoughts or fears onto you. They may say things like: “Why are you so angry?!” when you have not exhibited anger or “You’re so controlling!” when, in reality, your own opinions have been dismissed and ignored within the relationship. If the person utilizing FOG greatly worries about what others think of them or if they fear abandonment, they may project that onto you in the form of: “What will people think of you?!” or “Aren’t you scared of losing me?” I describe this step in the FOG Recipe as the person unintentionally “showing their cards.”

When they sense that your boundary line is now strong, they may attempt to use triangulation – either through threat (“Wait until everyone finds out how crazy you are!”) or by actually involving or attempting to involve a third party, such as a family member, mutual friend, or even a mental health therapist. They may call your own physician’s office, your boss, your best friend, and others to try to speak with them about your “concerning behavior.” Make no mistake: Their intent or goal is not to genuinely help you, nor is it to have an appropriate relational bond with you. Instead, their goal is to gain control over you, gather ultimate compliance from you, and to change what they believe is wrong in your life. 

A Note on Individuals with Dark Personality Traits:

People with Dark Personality Traits may exhibit self-righteousness in their pursuit of vengeance, revenge, and retaliation; they may delightfully yearn for “punishment” or for bad things to happen to the person they believe has wronged them, for example, they may say: “I can’t wait for him/her to lose everything!” “I’m going to laugh when their marriage fails!”  or, what is particularly concerning, “I hope she/he dies!”

 Unfortunately, well-meaning individuals who hear these statements might inadvertently fuel them by validating the anger behind the statement instead of addressing the meat of the sentence itself. It is okay to feel anger, but it is unhealthy and unhelpful to a person to fantasize and feel gleeful about the pain or demise of another being. 

At times, the person who utilizes FOG may resort to issuing intense statements of low self-esteem or insinuating violence against the self (for example, “You wish I were dead, don’t you? Maybe I will just go die!”) or they may use fear to attempt to control your decision-making (for instance, “This stress might cause me to have a stroke. Do you want me to die?!”). I always advise people to take these statements extremely seriously. If someone truly believes they are going to experience a health emergency, call 911; it is vital to get people the help they need.

The “FOG Recipe” can be effective because it works to chip away and break down barriers. It also takes advantage of so-called “kernels of truth.” “A kernel of truth” is something that might be partially true, but it is not the whole truth. For instance, you may truly care about a person and you may love them. That part is true. However, loving someone does not mean that they are allowed to scream at you, attempt to control you, bad mouth your family, abuse you, invade your privacy, humiliate you, or threaten you; these behaviors are inappropriate, unhealthy, and – depending on the severity – might constitute abuse. Blocking someone’s car to prevent them from leaving, for instance, is legally considered both physical abuse and emotional abuse. Just because you love someone, that does not give them the right to abuse you.

Those who use the FOG Recipe oftentimes utilize kernels of truth in an attempt to confuse, coerce or manipulate you. For example, they might ask: 

“Don’t you love me?!” 

You may respond with, “Of course I love you!” 

In response, they may retort by saying, “Then you would do this for me if you really loved me” or they might tell you: “Fine. But I won’t be speaking to you ever again unless you ________.”

These are examples of coercion, intimidation, and manipulation. Coercion, intimidation, and manipulation have no place in healthy, appropriate, and normal relationships of any kind.

In appropriate relationships, toxic dynamics and abuse do not occur, including emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and/or financial abuse. Remember: abuse is abuse is abuse. In my practice, I often come across individuals who brush off, deny, or even defend abusive behavior because of the type of person who is abusing them. The term “abuser” does not discriminate; an abuser can be any person and they can be related to you in any manner (i.e. friend, partner/spouse, adult daughter/son, parent, and more).

Disagreements and conflicts happen in all relationships, but we can choose to engage in conflict in a wise, mature, appropriate manner or in an unwise, unhelpful way. A healthy, appropriate relationship is one in which both people share their lives together, but it is not forced or coerced. Love and care are freely given without either party “keeping score” or using the love, relationship, or your role in their lives as a tactic, tool, or weapon to get what they want (e.g. “You’re my wife. You have to do as I say,” “We tell each other everything because we’re a family,” “I can yell at him! He’s my husband so I can yell at him all I want!”). When disappointment or disagreements occur in a healthy family (or other healthy social circle), it is managed in a mature way without yelling, glaring, or game-playing; each person understands that they cannot control one another and neither enmeshment nor estrangement occurs.

If, upon reflection, we find that our relationship dynamics have been more on the unhealthy side versus healthy, we can begin to work to make positive changes. Firstly, we need to honestly check in with our own perspectives regarding life, relationships, and ourselves. It might be time for a shift in our own perspective.

Secondly, we need to begin building boundaries, limits, and reasonable expectations with those in our life. Many times, the person (or people) within the social group that has the most shifting moods and the highest prevalence of emotional outbursts is the one who cultivates the toxic dynamics. Over time, entire family units or other social circles will alter their behaviors, actions, reactions, and expectations in an effort to keep this person smiling. The person with the difficult personality then comes to expect preferential treatment as they have become conditioned to it. It will be a challenging road, but the greatest gift any person can receive is the resilience and power to manage their own emotions, disappointments, setbacks, and life changes in an adultlike manner without abusing others. Self-regulation is an empowering gift. 

If you find yourself in a toxic family unit or toxic relationship, my heart truly goes out to you. It is a rough road; at times, it can feel like you are all alone. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who see through the FOG is vital. A mental health therapist might be able to help you get your life back. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing a medical emergency, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health emergency, please call the 988 crisis line or go to your nearest emergency room.